Oh, just a plank

Changing my tune a little bit. This is how this whole journey has been for me and I used to beat myself up about it. I make a choice and then I change my mind. It's a little like a giant leap forward and then swimming halfway back to shore and grabbing a plank of floating wood, hanging on for a bit while I decide my next move. It's how I am and I have come to accept that it's part of my decision making process. I am decisive and make a big deal about something, close to obsession then I step back and re-evaluate. I rework the sculpture, as it were. So, here I am, pending unemployment, stretching my timeline and adding two big trips in the meantime. Sometimes, we move forward on faith and a gut feeling alone and that's where I am at right now. I have been under the illusion that once we have our citizenship I have to act fast. It suddenly occurred to me that I don't. That's forever, barring any international scandals. We can take a long trip. I can homeschool the kids and take them there first. To assure us all that we'll love it. To explore, to learn, to play. To show them it's not as far as we all think. To show myself that. I am so excited at the prospect of working for myself, having this unbroken time with my sons to learn the same as they are, to learn alongside them. This also means reshaping my relationship with money. It will come back. If you invest in your life, your enrichment, your adventure, your money will come back to you. It just will. I can't hoard it, waiting for some magical moment to manifest and suddenly I'm 80 and my kids have their own full lives and I haven't taught them to enjoy it yet. No. I don't want that. Now is the time. I wish that for all of you. Look at your relationship with what scares you. Mine is money. And it has shown in my struggles over the years. It's what I want to shake. What is yours? Is it fear of the unknown? Is it your relationship with your partner? Is it being alone? Our "hooks," as it is, are all different and so unique to us and I believe if we start to look at those things, accept them for what they are (a pain body, that hinders us), we can shake those old skins off and be better and more peaceful. I am trying, anyway.

risk and my take on it

Oh,I love how people forget that we all don't see things the same ways, or feel things the same ways, or forget all the times they made choices someone else didn't agree with but followed their heart, anyway. Everything turned out fine. Everything was fine. That's the thing about life,really. You make choices, you take risks and sometimes you fall on your face. Sometimes it's that last standing up after falling a few times when you finally figure it out. And sometimes, that last time finally teaches you what you were slow to learn. Here's the deal, really. I have never shied away from things that others deem scary. I am not going to start now. If i fail, I fail and I learn. If I succeed, I will find one more piece of the happiness puzzle. Either way, I'm good. I have three risky things in the air right now--one related to geography, one related to business, one related to the heart. Takes three things to juggle. I got this. I have a net.

stasis and seesaws

I have been thinking a lot about balance and how to find it. It's the real meaning of life, I think. We are always asking....what's the meaning of life and some say love, some say happiness, some say peace, some say financial freedom...but to me, all of those things are under the umbrella of balance. If we have that equilibrium between love of self and love of a partner and others, a natural flow occurs. If we get to the sweet spot of what life has to offer as far as adventure and how to fund it, we are free. If we find that we have these things, with a sharp eye on our instincts, our inner guts, we can find this stasis. That's the real goal here. As I enter into this new relationship, I find myself wanting to stuff my moving continents goal, which, when talking to my guts, I know would be a terrible idea. That's not balance. I would be resentful and and regretful to lose either....so I am pondering a move date that will accommodate the need for both. A few months later, putting plans in place with someone else, who originally wasn't part of the plan, but really, who inspired it, is strange. In some ways, I feel like I am caving. I think it's because for many years, instead of compromising with people, I just poured all of myself into someone else. So the past year, I have gotten selfish and uncompromising, out of necessity. Now, I am learning to compromise my steadfast ideas to flex but not surrender myself to what someone else wants. It's uncomfortable. It's scary. But it's part of learning to be a better person, a stronger person, a good partner and a balanced human. I have two big dreams: a healthy relationship, and traipsing off to Australia with my favorite people and starting a new adventure. And I am doing it.

the purge....

I opened my closet the other to get a pair of underwear off the top shelf and the whole damn stack fell on my face and I just sat there, covered in underwear, and i realized i didn't want any of it. We have all this shit. Do we need it? Not most of it. Do we love it? I have gotten better about only purchasing what I really love, but I still have SO. MUCH. CRAP. So, I began to take clothes off of the shelves and hangers, pull pictures off walls and stacking it up. I immediately and in my usual way, planned a Facebook event to sell it all. This was in the 30 minutes before work so now I have a house that resembles the break in scenes in movies and that's just how it is. You see, we have decided to leave the country at some point. Shipping rates are absurd. I looked into it because I impulse bought some cool furniture last year. Nope. Not gonna happen. So. uh, I have a houseful to sell, a car to offload, an intercontinental life and possibly relationship to figure out, all while not drinking wine anymore and trying to be a good employee and parent. Well, today, I have back spasms and am stuck on the couch, but you know what I mean. I knew this would be a challenge. Lots of little pieces of life all aligning at the same point to move a life from one place to another and essentially start all over. Most days, it excites me. Some days, like today, I start to get a little shaky. I am used to this push and pull. It has been my energy all my life and I have just started realizing that my energy has always, always been in two places. I have always felt like a joint between two large bones, holding them together, but always shifting, depending on what needed me more. I am coming to a peace on this subject, but it still catches me off guard at times. So this blog is for that, it's also for victories, failures, and hopefully, I can eventually help someone who wants to make a major change in their life, as well.

A rebellious beginning...

I was in a difficult spot. I had a great job, amazing family, sweet little house and a very challenging, deep, passionate relationship with a man who was in a very low place. He was far from himself and nothing i did could help him find his way back, except leave. But who I am as a person, meant a grand proclamation. Well, if you won't get better for me, I'll leave the fucking country. I realize there are many things flawed about this...one cannot heal for someone else, just themselves, and this was a rather impetuous proclamation and knowing me, I'd do it. To distract myself from pain, I started research. I was born in Brisbane, Australia but to American parents, who assured me that on my 18th birthday, I defaulted to US citizenship. I'd always been intrigued by the idea of going back...but I had kids,surely their dad would say "oh HELL NO. Surely, I could reclaim this and leave him behind and leave Trump behind and leave all this absurdity behind. This was fall of 2016. I talked to the kids' dad. Much to my surprise, he thought this was an amazing opportunity and a life changing adventure for them. Shit. I had to do it. I obtained certified copies of about a million documents. I filled out the application to resume citizenship. I got US passports. I researched housing, jobs, and stared online paralegal courses for Australia. I spent thousands of dollars. Then i waited. Called. Waited. 11 months later Home Affairs contacted me to tell me I have been a citizen all along. But also meant I had to reapply for my kids to get citizenship by descent. Sweet Cracker Sandwich, for real? The year spent waiting involved me getting back together with the person I loved when I decided to give it up and stay in the States. Then parting again when he was still struggling and I still kept looking at the other country like a jealous lover. And i waited more, alone,building, healing, changing. Got the news, told my job I was leaving....and my former lover contacted me literally 1 hour after I'd surrendered, given notice to work....with some big things to say and that I wasn't sure I wanted to hear. So. Here i am. Leaving the country in 3-6 months, with two kids to a place where I have only online friends, resuming a relationship, slowly, as two new people...and have no idea what I'm doing. I have no job come the Fall, but am not sure I'll be ready to go, if my partnership works out, he won't be ready yet, but we both agree the beginning is mine alone....I am running on the fumes of faith and the power of the Universe. I hope you'll join me on my journey. It will often be cringe-worthy(my friends who know my love life), it will often be me changing my mind, it will certainly contain grand announcements about my decisions which often change. Basically, it'll be like drinking whiskey laced with xanax, while mainlining straight caffeine. Also....starting some online marketing endeavors soon that align with my passion to see the world, to love wildly, and to be free. Stay tuned for that and thank you for following me. Let's go.